Saturday 29 January 2011

Dr. Poopenclean's Bidet in your Pocket

Too busy to wipe?

Dear Blogees

After-dinner mint that cleans more than your breath
By way of a warm thank you for following me so loyally I would like to let you in on the ground floor of a new idea that's going to blow the doors off the personal hygiene market. I have invented a product that's going to make me richer than twitter with a planned second wave that could make Mark Zuckerberg my pool boy.

The product revolves around the revelation that you can now get coin tissues. These neat little things are a compressed napkins that once water is added reconstitute into a full size wet-wipe. The beauty of my idea is that the napkins are made 60% smaller making them aspirin size and therefore swallowable. One is taken after after meal time and as it makes its way down the digestive tract it becomes reconstituted until it finally follows the food out wiping a clean path, so that you don't have to! No need to wash your hands. Just up your strides and be on your way.

A clean brake
The benefits for the larger wiper are obvious, no? Ok some of our more weighty cousins have problems reaching the area in question and so suffer the indignation of landing strips on laundry day. A well wiped tradesmans will give them the confidence to once more take their place in society.

The ecological implications are phenomenal, just think of the water saved by not having to wash your hands after taking to the throne; don't anyway? Clearing peoples' conscious is also a public service that people are willing to pay for. The potential is endless and it's a luxury that all will be able to afford.

Marketing will begin with top restaurants creating an awareness of the product and I'm pretty sure I can get Jamie Oliver on board, I had thought of Gordon Ramsay but he does tend to give shit a bad name. From there on we could get Victoria Beckham; nice high profile, clean bottom and she's got her shit together. I have had my people contact Ricky Gervais, he seems to have the right profile at the moment; leaping in the shit and coming up smelling of roses at the Golden Globes. 

If you've ever wished that you had been there at the first slicing of bread, taking the corners off the first wheel here is your chance. This is the after-dinner mint that cleans so much more than your breath and I'm offering 49% of equity in this venture with the largest offers winning the bid.  

$$ This is your chance. Don't be a schmuck! $$

*All bids will be treated in the strictest confidence*  

The next wave involves a similar principle with plastic bags and dogs! 


  1. Is this 1 ply or 2 ply? Also, I'm sure you might find more than a few willing participants for your marketing strategy research group from this lot:
    ... just tip.

  2. Are there any reports indicating that the "mint-part-effects" will also influence my farts making them less Greek? Cause then I will chip in

  3. Our R+D department are working on a variety of aromas, however, chocolate was excluded quite early. Mine already smell of roses but mint is a popular choice.

    'chip' was that another suggestion maybe?


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