Wednesday 20 April 2011

Money makes you Stupid

Even small amounts can
be dangerous.
Money can reduce your IQ, a new study by eminent behaviour psychologists Bummet and Phelch has concluded. The research, commissioned by the banking and finance union and the American banking association has discovered that otherwise well-educated, intelligent individuals are in grave danger when in close proximity to currency of any kind.


The eminent behaviour psychologist said that they had observed a propensity of wealthy individuals to be quicker to make crucial decisions while displaying reduced intelligent reasoning skills. They were determined to discover the causes and establish a correlation between these two variables. 

The 2008 fall of many major Wall Street financial houses caused worry amongst banking professionals and they decided to commission further study.

 The higher the sum, the larger the reduction of IQ scores

The research involved subjects taking an IQ test with a large sum of cash sitting in the middle of the table. Results showed that the higher the sum, the larger the reduction of IQ scores. “When the sum on the table reached the millions some of the sujects were incapable of spelling their own names correctly and began to display signs of advanced dementia.” said Roger Bummet, one of the Psychologists conducting the research. 

Subjects also displayed a increased tendency to finish the test quicker. Subjects invariably scored higher without the presence of cash but took on average 25% longer to complete the test.

Some hours at Tesco and a cup of tea

“Subjects returned to normal after some hours at Tescos and a cup of tea,” he added.

After testing over a hundred non-banking volunteers the test was taken to London City and Wall Street financial institutions under 'Triple A' security conditions. 

At Lehman brothers results proved inconclusive, cash was positioned on the subject's desk but before completion of the test the cash vanished. The money was replaced and the test continued until it happened again and again. Finally, the study had to be suspended. 

“We couldn't replace it quick enough,”

“We couldn't replace it quick enough,” a baffled Phil Phelch told our reporters. He added, “We finally brought in the authorities who brought in funds from the federal reserve” However by the time the subject had gotten close to completing the test maintaining the flow of cash was virtually unsustainable.

Advanced dementia

Similar problems were encountered when carrying out the research at a top London bank however the phenomenon was even more curious with the cash becoming a fine white powder under office conditions. 'each time the subject completed a question they showed euphoric behaviour claiming a significant victory and the cash transformed into the white dust despite the fact that the questions later proved to be incorrectly answered.

"The cash transformed into a white dust ."

The discovery of this stupefaction response may go a long way to avoiding repeats of the events of the mid-naughties however the breeding of bank staff impervious to its most potent effects just may raise other ethical issues. 

1 comment:

  1. Speaking of white powder, Wall Street based brokers and economists often make claims of having to endure 120-hour work weeks... and chronic crotch rot. Coincidence? I think not.


“In a hyper-real postmodern world, fact and fiction have become confusingly indistinguishable” Hunter S. Thompson

Throw in your two-pennies worth

From Under Dark Clouds

The Century of DIY